urineacoma's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a very sad life update. i finally revived my diary. im thinking about publishing it so i can laugh at myself. well my life has completely changed since i started this, if i ever thought i knew what being depressed was i was wrong. I know now though. My step-father and mother had dealt with their new resturuant by drinking... which lead to drinking everyday, at work, at home, just all day long. It got to the point where they couldnt come into work, they couldnt do anything, so i remember having to see my mom in the hospital while she was being detoxed and i thought at that moment i would never have a relationship with my mother again. As she was shaking eating her soup, she only weighed about 80 something pounds and i cried because my mother was always so strong and responsible in my eyes. She actually yelled at me and told me to grow up and that i needed to be strong or else shell booze it up and die... my mom said that to me, if you know my mother you could never imagine those words coming out of her mouth. She did get into rehab and grew so much, she just passed her 90 days sober and im so proud of her, yet i still cant trust her, and i will never feel the same way i use to. At the same time my step father was entered into rehab, it wasnt as easy. My boyfriend did everything as far as researching the rehabs and taking my parents because with them not working i had to work everyday in that fucking resturaunt till i couldnt think straight. my boyfriend was working as well everyday, and also trying to help my parents. He found my stepdad in a hotel room with 4 bottles of vodka passed out and called the ambulance, it turns out he blew a .62 BAC which is really insane, he should have been dead... or was that his goal? all this happened right after my birthday, and after i moved out into my own apartment, when i took their van to ikea to buy some furniature i found a gun in the middle console and i wanted to puke... ic ouldnt believe that this happend to me, i felt like i was in a bad movie or a nightmare... anyways i was hurt, crying everyday and just sad... the thing is this was in may and im still crying every single day, i dont feel like i have any control in my life, i get angry so fast, i panic. i am really scared because i have had thoughts of hurting myself and that my life is just over and thats the way it is and no one can change my mind and that thought is getting stronger and stronger every single day. I wish i could be as carefree as i was when i started this diary... i plan on getting help but as for now, im just trying to work and move out of san jose for a little break. these thoughts need to leave my mind before i go completely insane. what if i become an alcoholic and let it all slip? what if i make my child feel lost, and alone like that? im terrified. 11:18 p.m. - 2006-07-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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